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Month: December 2007

There should be a fairytale ending and comi-tragic death this football season.

There should be a fairytale ending and comi-tragic death this football season.

Prediction: The Packers will play the Patriots for Superbowl XLII (pronounced “Superbowl Schleeeee!”) The game will be heavily hyped because of the unstoppable Patriots and promising-yet-underdog Packers. The Patriots will take an early lead. Randy Moss will then–of course–get punched in the face. And the Packers will miraculously win in some sort of epic come from behind offensive onslaught. Brett Favre will be the MVP. After the game, while standing on the winners stage hoisting the trophy and his son, he’ll announce that he’ll retire (thank God) John Madden–having climaxed in some sort of vicarious and orgasmic love fest–will then die, his life being complete. There… watch…

Peace be with you my dear old man.

There should be accuracy when speaking of personal watercraft in headline news!!!

There should be accuracy when speaking of personal watercraft in headline news!!!

I am sick of hearing about “Canoe” man. Who the heck is that? Did a guy in a canoe paddle into the north sea, faking his own death to conspire with his wife for the insurance money only to reemerge–claiming amnesia–five years later in a Panamanian hideaway?!?!?! Hell no! A guy in a KAYAK did!

But you wouldn’t know it from the news now would you. If I would open up this CNN Article I’d be wholly misinformed. Bourgeois!!!! And to think we trust these news media types with delivering to us informative and informationally-informed information. KIEBASH!!!

Ok, just so these bourgeois crotch-rotters know the truth. A canoe looks like this…

A mother- F-ing CANOE!!!!

And a Kayak looks like this…

A good forsaken kayak!!

In fact… that looks a heck of a lot like my kayak… hmmm… anyway… that is the difference. A canoe wouldn’t do very well out in the north sea. It’s choppy, canoes don’t have a very good keel, in fact most sea kayaks not only have a small keel but also a rudder … kayaks have less windage and lower gunwales!!!! DUH! learn these terms CNN there will be a quiz on this next week! Class dismissed.

PS: Here the good people at Time Magazine (Rag!) say that “Kayak man” doesn’t have the same ring! Oh… well either does “War in Iraq”… So, might as well just called it the “War in New Jersey” or the “War in your mom’s pantaloons” or “Ketchup time at the disco.” Do you get my drift?

Until they get it right you can take joy in listening to these three lo-fi recordings I recorded this morning with my laptop, a small crappy lapel mike and the free program audacity. Acoustic guitar, Casio SK-1, Glockenspiel, small jimbe drum, claps… Enjoy. The quality is pretty poor but when you consider that each took about an hour to write and record and that all of these sounds came though a tiny eight inch lapel mike (like the kind that you plug into your cell phone to talk hands free) and crappy laptop etc… you get the picture.